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Dear Aunty John,

One of my favourite pastimes and ways of relaxing is taking a long moonlit bicycle ride. Given your wide scope of knowledge on this subject, can you suggest a couple of you favourite routes for me to try out? Although I would ideally like to go on a trip that doesn't involve going cross-country or circumnavigating too many tree stumps!!!!

Yours Big D

P.S love you even more!!!

Dear Big D, it's nice to hear from a fellow cyclist. A bit of advice from me is to make sure you have lights (front & rear) on your cycle during these moonlit rides or you may get into trouble with those nice policemen who patrol our streets and another thing is that you can see the tree stumps before you hit them!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Aunty John


My doctor is going to put me on HRT tablets, I'm beginning to suspect he's a quack due to some of his remedies, do you have any idea what they do and whether they have any real effect? I'm worried I might confuse them with headache tablets and what the side effects might be if I take too many.
Mrs Dcuk

Dear Mrs Dcuk, I have been taking HRT tablets on and off for a while now and it has not had any effect on me, as you can see by my photo. So don't worry!

 

Dear Aunty John,

What are your thoughts on the fact that when Tottenham Hotspur last won the league, the Berlin wall was being erected and Yuri Gagarin had just become the first man in space? 

 
Yours Concerned Gooner

Dear Gooner, you want my thoughts? Well let me see, I think you are a frustrated Arsenal supporter who has seen his team in decline since most of the team are not homebred like my Spurs' team are. We are still a young team and are in the ascendency not like your team, so there you are that's my thoughts! Oh and by the way, watch out for the Mackems next season, they have a lovely manager!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Aunty John,

Rumour has it that you are a bit of a dancer. Do you have any top tips you could give me about how to best perform the Michael Jackson moon walk? Any help would be much appreciated?

From

Big Man

 

Dear Big Man, this is how I remember being taught by Michael Jackson, no not THE Michael Jackson, this Michael Jackson used to be a Commercial Manager at Salisbury but has now moved on to pastures green:-

Lets treat it like a game, do you remember, "Simon Says"? -

Simon says, start with your feet together

Lift your right heel, put your weight on your right toe, make sure your right knee is bent

Slide your left foot back (keep it flat) and keep your left leg very straight

When your left foot is all the way back, do the following all at once:

Now slide your right foot back and make sure it stays flat until it is all the way back.

Also make sure that your left knee stays bent and your left heel stays up until the right

foot is all the way back.

Then shift your weight etc...

Now you go away and practice and when your ready give me a call and we'll go to one of JJ's discos and set the floor alight together!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear aunty john,

I saw you today walking round Salisbury wearing your flip flops. I just love the colour of your nail varnishI love pretty toes. Please can you tell me where you got it from? Love Your dream lover!

 

Dear Dream Lover, I'm not sure whether you are asking where I got my pretty toes from or the nail varnish! Anyway I was born with my pretty toes and the nail varnish was from "Toes R Us" which is a very exclusive store and you have to be a very special person (like me, for instance) to even be allowed to look in their shop window!!!!

 

Dear Joan - sorry, John,

I have always been attracted to your smooth, hairless legs. Can you tell me whether you wax, shave or use cream? I’m a wax virgin, averse to pain. If you have tried this method, can you tell me whether it hurts or are you turned on by this? If I were to be invited to meet you, could I come on the bus? Isla Wight

 

Dear Isla,I keep my legs so smooth and hairless by using Veet cream, it only takes about 5 minutes to apply then shower off and it lasts for about 1 week. As for you being a wax virgin and averse to pain, you are of no use to me. So there is no way you will be invited to meet me and compare legs and as far as coming on the bus is concerned you can take the train instead.

 

Dear aunty john,

Coming up this year is my 50th birthday, and being such a ladies man that I am, I still feel I am losing my touch with the young foxy women of our good town, I was just wondering from the sex god himself, what tips he has when pulling the younger lady, I am looking into the age range from 18-25. preferable with nice boobs.Lots of love Big pimping sugar daddy x x

 

Dear Big Pimping Sugar Daddy, 50 is just a number and being such a ladies man myself (no where near 50) I find that if you treat them mean, you keep them keen. You should not restrict yourself to the foxy younger girls with nice boobs, why not try a mature woman of 40 to 60 who have experience and know how to give a man both companionship and pleasure. You also don’t have the hassle of keeping an eye on other men trying to pull your bird, you can also have the added bonus of your very own hot water bottle during those cold wintry months!